Well hello!

My name is Kari, and I love to bake! I also love to eat. I really love to eat. I especially love to eat what I bake! So the question is, can a fat girl really bake and still lose weight? I sure hope so, because that's exactly what I intend to do. Without compromising my recipes and making them fat free, because let's face it, who had eaten a fat free brownie and really enjoyed it? I know I haven't. The second I try to bake something healthy my friends immediately question it and refuse to eat it, and I can't say I blame them.

I'm 25 right now, about to turn 26 this summer and I'm freaking out. Not only am I getting closer to 30 at what seems to be an alarming rate, but I'm single, and fat, and almost 30. So I'm fat who cares! Well...I used to think I didn't care. About a year and a half ago I lost 15 pounds on my own. I was so surprised that I could do it I joined Weight Watchers and proceeded to lose another 20 pounds. WOW, right? OK well almost. I didn't keep it off. In fact I became so complacent that I gained it all (save 10 pounds) back. Now I'm almost right back to where I started. I hate looking in the mirror, I hate being naked, and I HATE the way I look. It's time to change, and to keep it off.

My weight problems started in High School, or Junior High actually after I was sexually molested by two male classmates. I became depressed. I didn't want to go to school, I would skin, sit home on the couch and gorge myself until bursting while watching the view. My family is Japanese, and being the way they are they constantly would put down the way I looked. I dreaded family affairs. Oh god seeing my family was the worst! "Have you gained weight? You're looking pretty fat!" They'd chime in helpfully. This didn't help at all. It would only make me binge eat more. I joined Jenny Craig when I was in 8th grade, but didn't lose any weight and the food was disgusting. Again at 18 when my weight ballooned again after being a size 7 for many year (which my family and myself still considered super fat) I joined LA Weightloss. I had some success here but still wasn't motivated to lose big time.

So what went wrong? Why do I keep binging? Why can't I keep the weight off? I have no idea! I mean I have some idea. I eat when I'm sad, happy, bored, celebrating, depressed. My life revolves around food. I think about it every second of everyday. It's like a constant niggling in the back of my mind. I just had a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats about 30 mins ago. Was I hungry? Not really. Why did I eat then? What possessed me to go and eat a bowl of cereal at 12AM. It's not anywhere near breakfast time!

It's time to be really honest with myself and look at everything, maybe talk to a professional. I had a meeting with a nutritionist last year. She said I was aware of healthy eating choices, had good idea of what portions should be, so what am I doing wrong? Obviously everything.

Well I've reached that breaking point again. My beautiful cousin is getting married on a cruise to Alaska in August. Yes I'm going. And yes, I'm probably going to see some of my family who will without a doubt be judging my weight. Before I go to Alaska I want to lose at least 20 pounds. I am joining Weight Watchers again this week. After working out again this past week after not exercising for at least 6-8 months and it was PURE TORTURE. I was sweaty, and dizzy, and out of breath. I forgot not to drink too much water while walking and felt like I had to puke. This will not be an easy journey, and that's OK. As long as I admit that I need help, that yes, I have a serious problem and I'm not afraid to ask for help I think I can get through this.

I started this blog to be brutally honest with myself. With my friends too, because I am not the kind of person who can easily ask for help, and tell others what I'm going through. I feel like such a failure and a burden, and I'm tired of feeling that way.

Here's the truth: I am 4'10.5", right now I weight 170lbs, and my BMI is a shameful 34.92%. My goal weight is 120lbs, and 24.65% BMI which is still kinda high for someone of my short stature. I'm going to be logging what I ate, how I feel, and the exercise I've done for the day. I'm going to put down every time I binge eat, or feel like I want to binge eat. And I'm going to ask for help and acceptance.

I don't believe in starving yourself. I've tried that too (in 9th grade I weighed under 100lbs and was a sz 2). I believe in everything in moderation. Now let's see how far I can take this. I hope you'll take this journey with me and help me stay honest with myself.